I promise I held to my challenge of writing every day this month; though I did skip a blog yesterday, I instead wrote some letters that I’ve been meaning to write for a while now – so if anyone has been keeping up with these posts daily (likely no one), just know I didn’t fail to follow through with my resolve yesterday!
What I want to share today is centered on a change I want to make in my life.
I want to start hiding.
I am really good at wanting to be seen; I want to be noticed, desired, well-liked. I “don’t like” to be the center of attention if it means I’m walking into a crowded room and everyone’s looking at me, but I want to be the center of attention when it comes to showcasing all the qualities I want others to see in me.
Wisdom, gentleness, humility, beauty, charisma, wittiness, intellect… These are characteristics I would love for people to associate with me. Is that necessarily a bad thing? Maybe not. But the nature of this desire has more to do with highlighting me than it does with pointing the spotlight on Jesus. And this is why I want to start hiding.
I don’t want to hide in the shadows so that I never interact with others for fear of selfishly try to call attention to myself. I want to hide while out in the open, in community with others, so people can see me hiding. Because what I desire for people to see is the object that I’m hidden by.
When I speak, I want this object to be seen. When I serve, I want this object to be seen. When I work, I want this object to be seen. When I hang out with friends, it is the object I hope they’d see, not the poor girl standing behind it.
What I want to hide behind is the cross. Not speaking, serving, working, or spending time with others to build my image, but to point to His. I want to get down on my knees and cling to the foot of the cross so tightly that I have splinters in my hands, while the people around me are only getting more and more beautiful glimpses of Jesus as I move and live and speak and work beside them.
I have been too comfortable with the attention being on me. I long to present myself and all those qualities to others and just hope that they’ll see them all. But what I want to crave way more deeply is the hope that they’ll see Jesus’ beauty and perfection, not mine. But if they happen to catch a glimpse of me, I hope they’ll only see a girl clinging with all her might to the bottom of a blood-stained cross.
“He must become greater; I must become less.” – John 3:30
I come nowhere near the humility found in this kind of attitude, truly. I still feel my heart seeking to make things all about me. I pray Jesus will teach me to desire more than anything else to present Him to those around me, to be hidden wondrously by His cross.